“HELP!” Have you ever been at your wits end with a child that did not seem motivated to obey or whined, or was disrespectful? One that had no drive to help, to clean up, pick up, etc.. I’ve certainly been there and still go there occasionally. It was during one such time that I was desperately searching the internet for some advice that would give me the wisdom to change the situation. Not just outwardly but in my child’s heart. That day I stumbled upon the writings of Michael and Debi Pearl and I know that it was a divine appointment. Little did I know that day started me off on a life-long journey. It’s virtually impossible to do something completely different.. something that you’ve never even seen done before. I had never known anyone or seen anyone that actually trained their children. So I did what my parents did.. I talked and explained, warned and then threatened.. I reasoned and then I lost it. How I wish that day everything I read would have sunken into my hard head and caused me to change the way I thought and did things. How simple would that have been?! But it started me off on a quest.. a quest to become something to my kids that I had never seen before in my life. Now it’s years later.. two of my kids are basically grown, and I look back and see many, many mistakes I made with them. A lot of those things I have learned the hard way and have changed for my younger two. The child training was just a part of the big picture. One piece of the puzzle that I didn’t know where to place until I got my heart lined up with God’s word concerning my marriage after reading Created To Be a Help Meet, by Debi Pearl. It convicted me, it made me laugh and made me cry.. sometimes simultaneously! But still it was another piece of a big puzzle. Since our move down to south Florida and finding this little bitty non-denominational church that seemed a little slow and lame at first (just being honest) God has sat our pious, religious selves down and gotten our attention right good. Our pastor is the most humble and sincere man I’ve ever met. There is no flash, no lightening bolt, no shivering and goosebumps when he speaks. He speaks quietly, rationally, patiently and paints with his words a picture of something entirely foreign. He doesn’t play on your emotions, he doesn’t use words deceptively, he doesn’t use guilt or fear to his advantage. After the Lord had confirmed to us that He definitely wanted us there and I began to really pray about the difference I saw and felt in this church the Lord brought me to Elijah’s story. There was a great wind, but God was not in the wind. There was an earthquake, but God was not in the earthquake. A fire.. but God was not in the fire. Then a still, small voice. Brother Joe didn’t paint a picture of a religious man at all but rather a person who accepts being misunderstood and misrepresented without attempting to justify himself. A person who loves someone that hates him. Who prays with a sincere and loving heart for someone that has despitefully used him and lied about him. A person that forgives them that refuse to return forgiveness. A person that lays down his own will, his own plans, in exchange for God’s. A person that believes God when it hurts and accepts being wronged with a willing and gentle heart. A person that I have never been. A person that I have now realized that I must be to follow Jesus. A person like Jesus. A person who takes up his cross daily and follows Him. Without condition, without explanation, without wrath and doubting. Always hoping, always believing, always enduring. A million scriptures that I’ve read a thousand times rolled and turned in my mind.. making sense like they never had before. All these years I’ve thought I was such a great Christian. For years wearing nothing but dresses. Homeschool, homechurch, homebirth. Gone without make-up, jewelry, television. Been righteous outwardly but inwardly being contentious, holding grudges, only being kind to those that were kind to me. You may wonder how I got here from an article beginning about whining, complaining, disrespectful children? Because many times it is our own hearts that are being mirrored back at us through our children. Painfully. Those things that lie within ourselves that we don’t want to see.. we see in our children and despise. God help us. God change our hearts and turn our hearts back to our children. Give us love, undieing, unconditional love. Help us get ourselves straight so that we may become the Godly parents that we need to be for our children.
Just last night ~ last night ~ my 14 yo son was so disrespectful to me. This is after God has dealt with both my husband and my heart and we have begun to love our kids like we never did. Did it instantly warm them up to be obedient and respectful? No, not exactly. Sometimes it’s quite the opposite feeling. And last night my son was disrespectful and instead of correcting, instead of walking away because I was getting angry, what did I do? I raised my voice, I glared at him and I told him how horrible he was for speaking to me that way because I had been so kind to him. That was the same old thing I used to do that never gave me good results. My pastor says, ‘if you do the same thing you always did then you’ll get the same thing you always got’. Makes good sense, right? I went into my room (slammed the door, mind you) and I fell right down on my knees and began to pray. Unlike years past I didn’t accuse God. I didn’t blame God for giving me “bad” seed (LOL) but I said, please help me Lord!! I am doing what you told me to do Lord. I am loving them with all my heart, I am being kind, I am not being a task-master, I am not ignoring them while we live in the same house; always too preoccupied to look at their eyes when they want me to listen to them. God, you’ve changed my heart toward my children. You’ve caused me to love them more deeply than I ever have. You have caused me to be sincerely grateful to have them when there has been times that I honestly have not felt that way. But Lord, why aren’t they responding? Why isn’t it working? What am I supposed to do? I would like to reason with them, I would like for them to talk to me respectfully because they love me. Not because they fear me like they did when they were little. And I continued to explain to the Lord what I wanted and why. And then the Lord began to speak to me…
You must make negative behaviour counterproductive. They are not going to treat you with the level of love and respect that an adult that loved you would because they are still children. When they speak to you disrespectfully, when they disobey you, there must be a consequence; immediate and swift. Without emotion, without giving them a speech or a guilt trip, without anger and wrath. You aren’t mad at them personally. Don’t make it personal. You are unhappy with their action. They must learn that action or reaction will earn them a negative consequence. And you know what.. these are things I already knew. Michael Pearl teaches them. But I forgot because it was foreign. It was information banging on my head but never penetrating it. I said, God, write this on my heart. This morning I woke my son up by apologizing to him for getting angry at him and for not being a good trainer in the first place (he understands this because he trains his horses). It’s actually my own fault. I have conditioned him to behave this way. Oh how good and how merciful is our God!? How patient, how wise, how loving, how great, how awesome, how powerful and yet how gentle and full of loving kindness toward us. How I love Him so and how do I show or manifest that? By loving others with the same love that He has shown toward me. Praise His Holy name.