Raising teens…

Since becoming a mother at the age of 20 and becoming a Christian when our oldest son was only 4 months old, we have done our absolute best to raise our three sons and our daughter in a stable, Christian environment. I have always felt in my heart that homeschooling was the best for the kids, though I haven’t always done it. I have had a lot of ups and downs, more than I care to remember, on that issue as well as many others. I didn’t raise the kids up with good behavior training habits, I’d do what most parents typically do, talk and warn and threaten until I lost my patience, then yell and discipline. I wish I had known then what I do now. I stumbled upon the writings of Michael and Debi Pearl several years back and made a lot of changes, but the changes didn’t really work until I read Created to be a Help Meet, by Debi Pearl; began to change my heart toward my husband then began rebuilding the foundation upon which the family is built, the marriage. You see, it came first (or at least was supposed to), the love between you and your spouse; your relationship, which must be in proper standing with God before you can properly raise your children. Our children ended up attending a charter school for three years during a time I was digesting changes that needed to be made in me, in our marriage and in the structure of our home. Suddenly teenagerhood is upon me and some metamorphasis occurs in them. Now I am not saying that every single teen has to stray away, absolutely he does not, and we dig deep, and sacrifice and go that extra mile to ensure that he doesn’t. Regardless, our tactics likely must change a bit regarding the way that we interact with our children, who are now on the threshhold of adulthood.

I have come up to so many brick walls—so many times I came to the end of me. God has never let me down though I’ve let Him down many times. I have made plenty of mistakes with my children. I have apologized to them many times. I have allowed them to see my weakness and failure and my need for the Lord in my life. When I have behaved badly, I ask for their forgiveness. They aren’t our little robots, they are people. We shouldn’t make our Lord seem like a hard taskmaster, nor should we be one. One thing I’ve realized in the last couple years, one place I think many Christian parents fall when their children hit the teen years, is that we keep using the strong arm tactics with them and it doesn’t work anymore. No longer can we force them to comply with our wishes or conform to our thinking. The book Jumping Ship, by Michael Pearl, was instrumental in helping me realize some major things that I was doing wrong. No longer will your disappointed comments, dirty looks and threats work. No longer can you physically bend them over your knee and give them a good whipping. I found myself looking up at a son with defiance on his face that physically could take me over his knee now. The sermons don’t seem to move him, the punishments seemed to make him more defiant and I found myself avoiding him in our own home. Not speaking to eachother. I felt anger, betrayal, and disappointment toward him and even found myself wishing I hadn’t had children at all. He seemed so distant, so hard, so angry and I was so confused as to how he got this way. I had given parenthood my all, with all my heart, I hadn’t done it the easy way, I hadn’t shipped them off for someone else to raise. I know how much I love him and how greatly I desire the very best for him. I asked myself over and over again, where did I go wrong? If you can relate to this, if you’ve been in this place, you need to read the book, Jumping Ship. Ask God to change your heart where it needs changing. You may have to read it over and over, as I have. You will definitely have to pray through & get a hold of God; but while there is breath, there is hope.

I am not promoting the ideaology that you just let them do as they please, come and go as they may, go to church if they want to, and guide themselves. The children are given to the parents to raise up in the right path, they need guidance, love and boundaries. Make the boundaries clear to your teens, make the consequences clear for their bad choices, make the blessings clear for their good ones. Make sure you pray with them, read the scriptures with them (we do a daily devotion before school), pray and ask the Lord to annoint your words, have a humble spirit yourself. You need to know where they are and who they are with, they must have accountability. I do not suggest smothering them to death, nor do I promote them coming and going as they please, there’s got to be a happy medium. My husband and I have made sure that the kids see and take notice of the examples all around them; people who are saved and serve the Lord wholeheartedly and the blessings,deliverances and guidance the Lord gives; then the people who are rebellious and hateful, with lives full of problems and addictions. Make sure they know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that every action has a reaction. Every decision has a consequence. I’ve read them books and articles about people that God has miraculously delivered and answered prayers for, as well as people who have lost everything even unto death for their actions. I have read the booklet, “Pornography-Road To Hell” to them, I have pointed out women who sell themselves, adults who touch little children (there was a known man in town who did this), allowed them to know the sick and perverted places people go and what demon spirits await for them there. I have allowed them to clearly know how bad mankind can become without Jesus; that we are all born in sin and without guidelines, training and consequences we would likely all end up in prison. They’ve proven this in real case studies and every chance I have had I have pointed it out, the vast difference between the wages of sin and the gift of eternal life. As my pastor said once, when my kids sin, I want them to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is wrong. There needs to be no question in their minds, make it clear.

All the prayers, all the fastings and tears, all the changes I have made in myself, all the soul searching, I still find myself raising up boys that have their necks craining into the world. There are no grandchildren in the kingdom of God, they have free will just like we do and they must choose to give their hearts and lives to the Lord. I have gotten myself so upset that I made myself physically ill. I had to give them to God again and say Lord, I have done my best, I know that I could have done better, I realize there was room for improvement, but I gave it my all, with all my heart. I tried to obey you, I tried to change what needed changing in me, do what needed doing. I did my best and now I need to give you this burden. I cannot carry it. Pray for them, make sure you are not directing your frustrations at them; spiritual warfare must be fought and won in the spirit. Pray, give it to God and don’t take it back. Remember how lost you once were, all the wisdom and comments that possibly were said to you that you just didn’t “get”, because until you are in that light you just don’t see. I know it’s hard, believe me I know. They aren’t grown and gone, they are right here in your house, eating your food, you’re washing their clothes that you bought, rubbing shoulders with them and it’s hard. But we must not grow weary in well doing, we will reap in due season if we faint not. The joy of the Lord is our strength. Our faith must be strong and sure, we must know in whom we have believed and be persuaded that He is completely able to keep everything we commit unto Him. Sing that song, ‘this joy that I have, the world didn’t give it to me, the world didn’t give it and the world can’t take it away’. Love them, yes absolutely you better love them, but that doesn’t mean you love their choices. Loving them doesn’t absolve your duty to allow them to feel the consequences of their choices.

I strongly feel you need to keep all internet access locked from them, unless you are right there. Password protect the TV’s, monitor the music they are listening to, monitor their phone usage, look at the phone bills and see who they’re calling. Do a little search of their room, prepare your heart first for what you may find. I have prayed in their rooms & annointed their pillows more than once. If you have been lax on these issues it will be hard to put it in reverse, but boundaries must be drawn or anything goes. Limit their time with worldly people. God will give you the strength, the love, the wisdom and the peace that you need. You can do it, with God nothing shall be impossible unto you.

Please read, Jumping Ship, and earnestly search your heart and pray. I have stopped working on this site so many times because of the issues I am facing with my own kids, and I think, what do I have to say about successful parenting? I don’t feel very successful. So this isn’t written in retrospect, after the battle has been won and the walls have fallen down, we are still marching around the city blowing our trumpet, it is the here and now; but one day I will be able to write the happy ending.

Don’t throw in the towel, don’t give up, don’t become weary in well doing. Don’t give up on yourself or you kids. You can change and so can they, with the help of the Lord nothing is impossible!! You can do it, you can. Remember where your strength lies, remember that in honoring your husband, you honor the Lord, listen to him, it doesn’t matter if he seems like Mr. Spirituality to you, his authority is God-given. Get on his team, you two become a team together with God. God’s ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts. Lean not to your own understanding but in all things acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path. Delight yourself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart.

In the Mighty & Precious Name of Jesus.